Disclaimer: I am not writing this blog post to elicit encouragement or praise. I've actually posted it to this blog (instead of my other one) because it is more of a personal essay that I wanted to share with those who know me - and love me - best. Thanks for listening (or reading, I guess).
There are too many days that end with me sitting on the bed as day passes into night and I look around me and see what can only be described as the remains of the day. No matter how many times I picked up or didn't pick up, no matter how many dishes I did or didn't wash, no matter how many clothes I folded and put away, I'm still surrounded by a mess, by the daily clutter of six people - four of them small - and my general inability to keep up with them.
Surrounded by the visual evidences of my little failures, I pause to reflect on the day as the four small people I love so well sleep peacefully in their beds - for now. I think about how I should've been more patient, how I shouldn't have lost my temper, how I should've found time for each one of my kids so that before they went to bed they knew that Mom loved them today. Sitting, pausing, contemplating in my mess, it seems that it is only symbolic of the mess that maybe isn't as visible but is still just as important.
Which then leads me onward to the laundry list (no pun intended) of things I should do. Things I should do not because my church or my culture tell me to, but because they are good things, important things, things that would probably make me happier, make me more successful and less inclined to ponder my mess while sitting in my mess. They are things I think we all struggle with - at least the mommy blog world tells me so. But even that knowledge doesn't really help me with the fact that on some days, on most days, I feel like I'm losing the struggle.
But then, Heavenly Father is mindful of me, as He always is. And while there are many who seem to make His tender mercies into a cliche or a happy ending that is only for the blessed, there are moments when I feel the "sweet and calm assurance that He cares."
Tonight, after a long day in the trenches of motherhood when the mess is deeper than usual, I came to my computer just hoping. Not even aware of what I was hoping for, but just hoping. I opened up my email, and, as is my custom, checked the junk mail before dumping it in the cyber trash. In it was an email from a person I don't know and have never met. He'd found my website (which hasn't been updated in three years) and it turns out we are family - a fact he discovered when he googled a family name and was directed to the family history I posted on the website three years ago.
In that moment, the whispering came. It was small at first and if I had not been hoping for it, I probably would have missed it. But in that moment, I felt the quiet stirring of the spirit remind me that what I am doing is making a difference.
Then, as I glanced past the piles of laundry waiting for me on the floor, my eyes caught a statue I bought long ago of a mother holding a baby. And the whisper came again. What you are doing is making a difference.
The struggle is real. So are my failings at it. But Heavenly Father - in His mercy - has sent me kids who will weather their mother's failings, I know because I have seen it. They are forgiving and kind and they offer me each day the chance to do it better, the chance to do it right. They are so much like Heavenly Father in that way. We are all of us failing in one way or another, but Heavenly Father doesn't get angry, He doesn't throw up His hands in frustration and ask us why, He doesn't give up on us. He comes in those moments only a parent can find when our hearts are open and soft (sometimes because they are broken) and He pours in a measure of His spirit and reminds us again that He loves us, that mistakes are part of how we learn, and He has a plan - has always had a plan - for overcoming them.
So tonight, as one day fades into another, as life continues to move and change around me, I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven, for the little mess-makers in my life that lead me ever back to Him, and for all the "sweet and calm assurances that He cares."
Pondering,
Meredith
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Peace
Today my YW lesson was on being a peacemaker. As I thought about over the past week in preparation for my lesson, as I reviewed the suggested readings (one from Pres. Faust on Forgiveness and the other from Pres. Eyring on Unity) I was struck with an interesting distinction - one I brought out for the girls.
1. In the world, when we think of peace, I think we could define peace as the absence of fighting. The absence of ill-will, hatred, oppression.
2. But to the Savior, the Prince of Peace, peace is so much more. His peace is not merely the absence of fighting - but the presence of love and goodwill, the exercising of choice to find a better way, to choose the better part. To proactively love and serve others and not wait for them to love or serve us first. The choice to frankly forgive wrongs others have done us, to not take offense, to let anger and grudges go. The choice to treat others as we want to be treated and then to treat them as the Savior would treat them. It's the choice to love and hope - unconditionally. The Savior's peace casts out doubts, worries, and fear (John 14:27), empowers us to move forward with faith that He is over all, and shelters and encourages us when things are hard.
In that light, I believe that the Lord was wise when He commanded us to be peacemakers - not peacekeepers. Peacekeepers defend lines - they enfore the no fighting policy. Because as long as we have no fighting - we have peace. Peacekeepers are also quick to gloss over feelings and hurts - reminding everyone that "everything's going so well" and that we all love each other - so we can stop fighting - even when everything's not fine and things really need to be healed and dealt with.
Peacemaking, on the other hand - is the Lord's work. It's working together to build, to make, and to grow His peace within each one of us and then within our families. It involves our choices at every level within our relationships. But most importantly, it involves the Prince of Peace - the Savior Himself, whose atonement is at work with and within every change of heart, every choice to do good and speak good instead of to do bad and speak bad. As we seek to repent of our sins, to frankly forgive those who've hurt us, and then find the courage to move forward, it is only through His atonement that we find personal peace and that we can be an agent for making peace in our homes.
And this is how we learn to be like Him. For this is how God lives, right? There are two choices - one to hurt, one to help. He chooses to help. To love, or to hate. He chooses to love. To fight or to forgive. He chooses to forgive. As we learn of Him, as we take His yoke upon us, and we strive to become like Him - we find peace and we make peace.
Then, as the scriptures repeatedly promise, we can share - as joint heirs with Christ - all that the Father has. Even an eternal piece of the peace He has made and promised to each who faithfully seeks Him. For "blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God."
Pondering,
Meredith
1. In the world, when we think of peace, I think we could define peace as the absence of fighting. The absence of ill-will, hatred, oppression.
2. But to the Savior, the Prince of Peace, peace is so much more. His peace is not merely the absence of fighting - but the presence of love and goodwill, the exercising of choice to find a better way, to choose the better part. To proactively love and serve others and not wait for them to love or serve us first. The choice to frankly forgive wrongs others have done us, to not take offense, to let anger and grudges go. The choice to treat others as we want to be treated and then to treat them as the Savior would treat them. It's the choice to love and hope - unconditionally. The Savior's peace casts out doubts, worries, and fear (John 14:27), empowers us to move forward with faith that He is over all, and shelters and encourages us when things are hard.
In that light, I believe that the Lord was wise when He commanded us to be peacemakers - not peacekeepers. Peacekeepers defend lines - they enfore the no fighting policy. Because as long as we have no fighting - we have peace. Peacekeepers are also quick to gloss over feelings and hurts - reminding everyone that "everything's going so well" and that we all love each other - so we can stop fighting - even when everything's not fine and things really need to be healed and dealt with.
Peacemaking, on the other hand - is the Lord's work. It's working together to build, to make, and to grow His peace within each one of us and then within our families. It involves our choices at every level within our relationships. But most importantly, it involves the Prince of Peace - the Savior Himself, whose atonement is at work with and within every change of heart, every choice to do good and speak good instead of to do bad and speak bad. As we seek to repent of our sins, to frankly forgive those who've hurt us, and then find the courage to move forward, it is only through His atonement that we find personal peace and that we can be an agent for making peace in our homes.
And this is how we learn to be like Him. For this is how God lives, right? There are two choices - one to hurt, one to help. He chooses to help. To love, or to hate. He chooses to love. To fight or to forgive. He chooses to forgive. As we learn of Him, as we take His yoke upon us, and we strive to become like Him - we find peace and we make peace.
Then, as the scriptures repeatedly promise, we can share - as joint heirs with Christ - all that the Father has. Even an eternal piece of the peace He has made and promised to each who faithfully seeks Him. For "blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God."
Pondering,
Meredith
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